matriarch prophecy

i ruined love once
i knowingly knew his heart didn't belong to me
but still i held his gaze long enough for him to forget
every now and again
i have that affect
sometimes

i choose em real good
i take the most unavailable and feel secure
secure i know what is expected
a fail
guess i'm a creature of bad habit

i hold guilt like a security blanket
blaming myself for so many failed relationships
so many failed "loves"

at least
i used to

self fulfill prophecies

but i got a dream board and a secret prayer i pray everyday
now
i forgive myself for taking the low road those years
and run for the high road
literally
sometimes

prepping for the moment "he" brings his light to me
tweaking my cooking skills
transforming my tiny apartment into a home
building myself internally outward beautiful
starting an empire
leaving my daughter a legacy to be proud of

building my strength to be his rock
building my retirement plan to travel the world
bein all old and gray
to be
a
queen

this is what i pray every day in action
loving as hard as my life will let me
pouring everything into a family
the matriarch is my destiny

love.